The Midnight Library


Do you ever play the "what if" game in your head, wondering how your life might be different if you had made different decisions in the past?

I say different but I actually mean better. Because we don't ever seem to perseverate about good decisions, do we? I never think back and wonder what might have happened if I had dropped out of college and married the Domino's delivery driver who used to bring pizzas to campus. I do sometimes think back to regrets, or missed opportunities. 

So does Nora Seed. the protagonist in Matt Haig's The Midnight Library. And when she decides that her life is no longer worth living, she wakes up in this library, a space between life and death, where each book in the seemingly infinite rows of shelves represent a life based on a decision Nora has made. 

Life is full of decisions. "Some big, some small. But every time one decision is taken over another, the outcomes differ. An irreversible variation occurs, which in turn leads to further variations. These books are portals to all the lives you could be living," Mrs. Elm tells her. Which life will Nora choose? No spoilers here—you’ll have to read the book to find out!

As much as I enjoyed the book, I don’t think I’d ever want to visit The Midnight Library. Sometimes, I entertain this fantasy that I wake up tomorrow and it is the eve of the first day of high school all over again. I admit that my memory is fuzzy on the details, but I remember my best friend Tamar spent the night. As we fell asleep, I played Cherish by Kool & The Gang on repeat as I mooned my heartbreak over some crush that, honestly, I have no memory of now. Poor Tamar, listening to those damn seagulls mewing and crying over and over until I finally drifted off. 

In my fantasy, I return to high school with the confidence, motivation, and knowledge that I have now. I study more, take Spanish instead of French, and refrain from unfurling my teenage angst on my mother. I spend less time dreaming about pimply faced boys and more time reading the assigned literature in my English class. 

I play out this fantasy for a while, erasing my past mistakes with smart decisions and better choices for a while until I stop. Because, as anyone who has seen Back to the Future knows, there are rules to time travel. You can't go back in time and change the course of your life without changing the entire trajectory. I can't only erase the regrets and keep the happy times. Erasing seagulls on repeat could also erase my life as I know it right now.

When Paul and I find ourselves lamenting an event or choice we made in the past, I quote the lyrics to The Avett Brothers song All My Mistakes:

But I can't go back
And I don't want to
'Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you

We’ve all made mistakes in the past. And as Nora learns, changing the events doesn’t erase the regrets, it just means different regrets. What’s more important is to focus on the potential of today. The decisions we have yet to make and the implications of those decisions on the lives of others. The Midnight Library is a good reminder that “It is not lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It's the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people's worst enemy. We can't tell if any of those other versions would of been better or worse. Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Leather Pants and Sequined Skirts

Image
Leather pants—yes or no? I don’t think I could get away with leather pants. I mean, technically I could, but I would be saddled by the kinds of reasonable, rational questions that leather pants-wearing people would never ask—“How much do they cost? Realistically, how often would I wear them? What shoes do I wear? Where does one wear leather pants?” Harper’s Bazaar swears they are “g reat everywhere from the office to a night out,” but I’m a teacher. I spend my days sitting “criss-cross-apple-sauce” on a classroom rug surrounded by cute little five year olds with grubby fingers who are still learning to cover their mouths when they cough.   And a night out? I’m usually wearing pajamas by 8:00 on a Friday night. I’m not out clubbing—I’m eating Ben and Jerry’s watching something on Netflix with my husband while we lament that, back in the old days, TV used to be free and there were only like 5 channels and we didn’t have to budget half our salary for all these new-fangled streaming ser
Read more

My Baby Moved to Baltimore

Image
It seems forever ago and just yesterday that we dropped Jack off for his freshman year at college. My baby. College. I was overwhelmed with an enormous swelling of pride and a feeling of faith that Jack would soon be thriving and experiencing new possibilities. Mixed in with these emotions were a combination of terror (my baby! How will he ever survive without his mommy?) and grief (my baby! I miss him already). I remember distinctly sobbing as we drove back up Route 95 without him. Even though he was just a short drive away, this new life—college!—felt so distant, so full of unknowns. And he would not have me there by his side—he would have to figure out challenges and obstacles alone. Of course, he wasn’t alone. He was soon surrounded by new friends, professors, and coaches who loved and supported him. He studied (sometimes). He figured things out. He navigated through the “new normal” of the pandemic. He learned. And he graduated. After graduation, he came back home to live. Fro
Read more

Chicken Nuggets and a Nap

Image
Katherine is in the kitchen. She’s been busy packing. She’s warming up some lunch in the microwave and I come out to the kitchen to sit on the bench seat under the window. “Do you have a minute?” I ask. She looks over at me as she grabs her plate and shuts the microwave door. “Like, a real minute?” she says. I look at the clock. I know she’s busy and in a hurry. But maybe, just maybe, it will help if I say this aloud. “I’m sad,” I tell her. “What are you sad about?” she asks. She squirts ketchup on the side of her plate, grabs her fork, and sits down to eat. I consider her question. “I think it’s a combination of things,” I answer. “You’re leaving for grad school and I’m starting a new job. I’m excited for our new opportunities, but also a little anxious. I feel like summer is ending and I’m not ready for it to end. Like right now, I should be doing some professional development trainings, but I feel like taking a nap.” “I’m sorry, Mom.” Katherine finishes the last of her
Read more