Pretending I'm Retired and Other Midlife Daydreams

I did the thing. I started a new blog. 

The irony of the new blog title does not escape me—quite the opposite of being retired, I feel like I have two full time jobs right now: teaching and trying to market my book. I'm an unknown author with no marketing budget. Let's just say Ellen hasn't called yet. 

I had an interview with a local paper and the reporter asked what my next plans were. This question stumped me. 

I don’t know. 

I'm about to turn 50. I've spent much of my lifetime so far making plans and reaching goals. I filled bullet journal after bullet journal with carefully drawn bucket lists and ideas. Masters Degree, check. Run a marathon, check. Write a book, check. Even vacations were activity-filled travel adventures. I've visited 49 states in my 49 years. I have a hard time relaxing; it makes me antsy. 

So what's next? 

Alaska, I hope. 

But other than that, I'm not sure, and I'm trying to be okay with that. I'm trying to be patient and not fill up the space with anything just yet. I'm trying to balance on that metaphorical fine line between planning ahead and being fully engaged in the present. If you read my book about being a reformed perfectionist, then you know my secret: I'm not actually reformed. However, I am more aware of my monkey brain jumping from one topic to the next and I'm trying to lull my brain to settle when I feel a little bananas.  

In fact, my latest list is an unbucket list of things I never plan to do again.. Is that even a thing? #unbucketlist. It is now. I've long given up on learning how to play the banjo and I've ridden enough roller coasters. 

My Unbucket List

  1. Ice skate (My ankles thank me for this one.)
  2. Run a marathon (The first one took me 5 hours. Now I can't imagine doing anything for 5 straight hours. Except sleep. So, except for marathon naps, no more marathons.)
  3. Spend a lot of time on my hair. (My weekends are short enough without sitting in a stylist's chair for 3 hours. See note about getting antsy above.)
  4. Wear a bikini (Unless it is under a wide brimmed hat, cover up, and generous slathering of sunscreen.)
  5. Overextend myself with too many goals

Sometimes after a long day of virtual instruction, I daydream of quitting my teaching job and becoming a full time writer. I could go back to school again and pursue an MFA in writing. I could reread favorite books, look up new words in my thesaurus, and finally learn what a dangling participle is. I could spend my mornings scribbling ideas in a spiral notebook and my afternoons typing out a draft of my novel.

But I know I won't really. The complications and the adventures and the relationships and the challenges eventually become the stories. And reality check: they also pay the bills and the college tuitions. Here’s my fear: if I actually quit my job, what would I have to write about? I would sit in my home office alone typing about sitting in my home office typing. And I want to live a life worth writing about. So, for now, I'll stick with my day job. 

Well, would you take a look at #5 on my unbucket list. Maybe I'm more reformed than I thought. I'm starting a new blog and a new decade. There will be milestones, moments, and memories ahead. Maybe I'll find the time to write about some of them on weekends, when I'm pretending I'm retired.

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